another day another depressing post. I have had distressing dreams the last week. Filled with irrational anxious thoughts, recreations of past events with a new negative twist, inhumane exchanges with friends... I wake up and cannot shake the feelings. In my dreams I feel like a 14 year old kid again, feeling ostracized by my own inabilities, ineffectuality, these dreams sit on my chest and freeze me in place, I wake up and lay there in the same position for a half hour, or until my alarm goes off. When I am awoken by the alarm I set it off and return to my sleeping position, I'm getting into work late these days, just by 5-10 minutes, but it used to be that I was always early. I fell in love with my ex-girlfriend again in these dreams, she has reached out to me recently because her father passed away, I take things the wrong way. I feel guilt over my friends happiness. I feel regret for actions performed a lifetime ago. I'm too sick to filter it out, my eyes look like dead things. I seek comfort in repetitious and artificial soundtracks. And that's just this last week... it's been a bad one.

I can't help but believe that this has something to do with a sense of resignation that hums like background noise behind me, resignation to how life is going to feel. I can read a thousand words and only certain are recalled. My memory is going, I'm not enjoying this at all. There's something like a pallor that it feels like has settled over my face.

I do feel happy sometimes, but those moments are so overexagerated and exceptional, they make the other moments feel even more tedious...

who am I to complain, really, I am in a nice place and all... and I don't like to give in, but maybe I have... I wish I didn't place so much importance on my relationships with others, I thought I could shake it, move out here, alone, work as a mailman, draw... none of that is coming true... I miss the attention you can only get from someone who loves you, I miss sleeping next to someone else, and chatting over breakfast and dinner. My aunt is so sweet, very nice of her to have me, but she doesn't hear me when I speak and I don't listen to her stories anymore, it's not that I don't try to, but they dissapear into the sound of the tv... It's a game to pick out a few words and try and respond when prompted to by some pause in her cadence, a turn of her head, I must sound like an idiot sometimes...

I listen to one song over and over again...

It feels a bit nice to get this off my chest, I can't help but fear that someone will be reading it, but at the same time I wish someone would, someone had a sentence to reply that put things in perspective, but I need a novel, I always need more, I feel like I had it all and left it, which I know isn't true, but the irrationality of my dreams is bleeding into the days... I wish I had a pet who would dote on me for food, something warm. I need a lover like I need a pet, I speak with strangers downtown and my voice falters...

There's no more jokes to tell, the ones I do are tired and old, they come off my lips so easily

I can't help but think that the weather is part of this, it's so desolate around here, at least as I see it. My door is off the hinges, I cant close it properly, the rug on my floor is bunching up... I play video games like a zombie, I keep waiting for a thrill, missing the opportunities... My room is a mess, my clothes are in a pile, there's barely room for my chair to back up before I bump into my bed...

I get messages from people on the computer, they mean little, I can't look at what I've drawn, I threw away a book, I blacked out hands from drawings like a censor...
I keep listening to the same songs, repetitive artifice, there's a bell hanging in my room, I can't bear to hear it ring, I avoid that side of the room now...

I feel a bit better now, some relief, but feelings are out of my hands.. I can't complain all the time to feel better, I can't bear it, who could?