Sweet relief.

Habits are hard to break. I used to write to Suzanne all the time. Like a War and Peace worth of words over the last couple of years.

We quit writing to each other more or less cold turkey, though our output had definitely started to fall.

Here's a fact. I think she actually called me (not texts) maybe 10 times over those two years, and I think I am being generous.

Why? You ask. Why would you stay with her? To you I say: You had to be there. A connection is a connection, even if it comes with more baggage than the Darjeeling Limited.

I love this girl, yes I do. Yes, the one who for all intents and purposes dumped me with such a seemingly cool demeanor that I later assumed she was in a suicidal state. I was wrong. Later I learned that 'after a couple of weeks of self pity and too much chocolate she was moving on' (paraphrase, I will never use real quotes or dates or names or details to keep this nice and generic)... Really?

She couldn't be there for me, and by be there for me I mean go out and meet some of my friends, or go away for a weekend, or go out shopping...

She limited our relationship so much.... and then acted like I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain. I wasn't, true, but that's cause she wasn't even admitting that any bargain had ever been struck. One day I will tell the story of the heart tatoos.

Arrrghhhhh

Anyway, she has my number. I am moving on though, got a couple of birds in my net if you catch the drift, I just know that if anything starts to happen I will again be buried in thoughts of Suzanne....

Freedom, please. Or babies with me.
I keep wishing I had punctured a couple condoms, which is SICK. Cause that baby would be born into a shit-storm of poopy proportions.

<3 <3

She is so good at compartmentalizing, it is actually bad for her. I myself need to not worry about her though, as she left me. I need to move on.

Serious about these other girls though, some interesting folks, and both really pretty... and blonde!!!

(let the record show I have a history of dating brunettes almost exclusively)

xox

Venting is good.

Man, there are so many babes in this city it's abbbbsurd.


Gotta get into that mindstate. Moving on, starting fresh etc... as requested.


BYATCH!!!!

<3

Fun/

Went out last night with friends, had fun.

Thinking of Suzanne makes me sick, so I will try and not think of her anymore. Easy, right? :D


yeeuuucchhhhh

and another thing.

Like realistically, is there anything I could do to make it happen with Suzanne? No.

If she reached out to me, I think there would be room for reconciliation. I know that a few moments in her presence, under those conditions, and I would be smitten again.

Fact is I really think it is unhealthy to be waiting.

ALSO:

I have had women show interest in me recently, I am not at all interested lol.. I don't have the heart.
I did relaunch my OkCupid! account almost right away. It is a safe way to feel like a man again. Women almost never contact you, but the system on OkCupid is always chugging away - suggesting matches.

Let me say this before I continue. I was very unhappy for 3/4 of the time I was involved with Suzanne these last 2 years. Why I think it could be different is inexplicable to me, but undeniable...

SHE WAS GOING TO KNIT ME A SCARF BUT I'M 99% SURE SHE GAVE IT TO HER EX, ALL WHILE PROMISING ME A FUTURE!

There, all caps is what it is going to take then ok.

FUCK!

Holy shit!

That's the kind of expression that these feelings bring forth.
Like, head in hands, staring at the floor, whispering 'Holy Shit' to myself.


HOWEVER


This all fell apart umm.. well, it ended with an email, about 2 months ago.

Anyway, what I want to remind myself is that today is easier than 2 months ago.

Yet right now I am dying to contact her. I would like her to come back to me, or to step on my heart with a stiletto while spitting in my eye. Hahaha, I'm looking at these emails and she's talking about moving on... sigh...

All I want to do is to be with her. yet while I was with here I was nothing... she wouldn't see me on Valentine's day, and she knows I am a cheeseball who loves valentines...

our last contact was actually only a month and a half ago...

I recorded a song for her which I never sent. I feel like that will be my last word on the matter.


ARRRRGHHHHH

Suzanne

I love this person so much.

The feeling I have towards her is unmatched in my experience.

We made promises, I tried my best to keep them. I do not know any more what she was doing.

You learn, in time, that even if someone is kinda telling you how they feel - you will find a way to only hear what you need to. But she would not, in fact even as we parted ways I could not get a straight answer about things....

LOVE!! Fuckin Love.


I used to write to her all the time, I'd say nice things. You know what it's like saying nice things into a vacuum?

God, when she told me it was over... I lost my mind. I could not focus a single thought, I was swimming in half sentences, things she had said to me. I had been waiting for he promised arrival, when she arrived she was not ready to be in a relationship.

She kept coming back, but this time... I do not know anymore.

Welcome back.

I cannot make sense of the world right now. I'm in this weird limbo, that at this point, I feel is my responsibility alone. I have brought myself to this place, out of love, out of fear... loneliness.

First of all, what the fuck happened to me over the last years?

You ever feel like you have no idea how life is to be lived, what it's purpose is, where you fit in relation to the rest of the world around you? That's how I feel now. It's odd, it is not feeling suicidal, not at all. That would take too much energy hahaha. No, seriously, I don't want to cause worry. I have no urge to off myself, energy or not. I just kinda feel like if I didn't have the few strong connections to other people in this world - I might just want to disappear. To walk off into the woods or something.

Writing that I realize this is just a 'feeling' that has little to do with reality. Walking off into the woods would leave me energized probably - and hungry :D

Still, as I walk through the days - far enough from those woods - it feels like I could just vanish.

I was at a wedding recently, and had no one to dance with so I left. It was perfect, all.. literally ALL of my friends were with their wives or girlfriends, so when the dj said: " go get someone to dance with " I took the opportunity to slip into the night and back home.

Last 2 years I had a girlfriend. I did, though there is little evidence to back me up. I was in, for lack of a better term, a long-distance relationship. Let's call her Suzanne.

What is love, Suzanne?

tronic: do you have any idea how long should the goal objectives nad gameplay episodes should be
Ghost Dad the Elder: maybe a page, page and a half
Ghost Dad the Elder: the goal objectives can be in bullet point format
tronic: hmm
Ghost Dad the Elder: -disable a door
Ghost Dad the Elder: -kill gladiator
Ghost Dad the Elder: etc
Ghost Dad the Elder: -plant new spawn
Ghost Dad the Elder: maybe a lil explanation with them
tronic: these are goal?
tronic: ahh
Ghost Dad the Elder: then the gameplay episode could be 2/3 of a page
Ghost Dad the Elder: yeah, think of the goals as the objectives on the map
Ghost Dad the Elder: with our game both teams have different objectives too
Ghost Dad the Elder: so a half page on one, half page on other
tronic: well the only real objective is to get to the "safezone" as survivors and slow down as much as possible for the gladiatiors
Ghost Dad the Elder: yeah
Ghost Dad the Elder: exactly
Ghost Dad the Elder: but then there are sub-goals
tronic: these are the 2 main goal but then I subdivide with minor goals and ways to achevieve them?
tronic: yaya
Ghost Dad the Elder: things you try and accomplish 1st to get to the main goals
Ghost Dad the Elder: you got it
Ghost Dad the Elder: -successful stack jump up to a new path
Ghost Dad the Elder: -use trap door against competitors
Ghost Dad the Elder: actually, maybe I am getting into too fine detail
tronic: are we presenting this tomorrow?
tronic: to matt and shawn and annick and andrei or its only andrei
Ghost Dad the Elder: instead of the two I just said you could say: -use teamwork to navigate map
Ghost Dad the Elder: -use the map traps and mechanisms against competitors
Ghost Dad the Elder: no i thik its just a paper we hand in
tronic: kkk
Ghost Dad the Elder: I hop
Ghost Dad the Elder: e
Ghost Dad the Elder: :D
tronic: we should find a name for the 2 teams and a name for the game too
Ghost Dad the Elder: Lets do that
tronic: competitors doesnt sound nice :P
Ghost Dad the Elder: yaya
tronic: and im tired of using it ! :P
Ghost Dad the Elder: too long
Ghost Dad the Elder: what if all the gladiators were actually robots
Ghost Dad the Elder: it could be man vs. machine
tronic: hahha
tronic: this is funny :P
Ghost Dad the Elder: using man is a bit sexist tho
Ghost Dad the Elder: lol
Ghost Dad the Elder: woman vs man
tronic: This design should be presented as an (incomplete) GDD, containing the above information, but nothing else is required.

This will be due June 9th.

If you have no ideas, it would be fun to see a Terminator multiplayer game (because you know it`s only a matter of time anyway…)
tronic: TERMINATOR
tronic: lol
Ghost Dad the Elder: booo
tronic: O shitttt
tronic: im saying this because you brought the human vs robot thing
tronic: which is similar to terminator in some ways no?
tronic: :O
Ghost Dad the Elder: sort of
tronic: I dont want terminator
Ghost Dad the Elder: but terminator is too serious
Ghost Dad the Elder: yaya
Ghost Dad the Elder: no Louis Cyr in terminator's lore
Ghost Dad the Elder: so it's a tv show, our game
Ghost Dad the Elder: kind of
Ghost Dad the Elder: a spectator sport
Ghost Dad the Elder: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gladiator
tronic: yeah its like all these tv shows where they put together all different types of people and hope its going to be a great show
tronic: here its like that, bring this guy in and that guy and hope for the best against these gladiators
tronic: hmm that was not clear
Ghost Dad the Elder: there is the classic: they are criminals who can fight for their freedom, if they win they get out of jail if they lose they die...
Ghost Dad the Elder: but that has been done too many times
Ghost Dad the Elder: you know what, if this were a tv show, they might name it after the map
Ghost Dad the Elder: you know, like if the game area was called "the gauntlet" the show might have that name too
tronic: but if we want to add different locations to the battles
Ghost Dad the Elder: yeah
Ghost Dad the Elder: well, with the craziness of the japanese game show style, we could take that angke
Ghost Dad the Elder: angle
tronic: im not sure i get what you are saying
tronic: about the gauntlet thing
Ghost Dad the Elder: not a great idea. Just, lets say the course the Cs have to run through is would be called "The eliminator" or "the gauntlet" or "the deadly arena" then the name of the game could be the same...
Ghost Dad the Elder: but of course that doesnt work so well with more than one course
Ghost Dad the Elder: course
Ghost Dad the Elder: by course I mean map
tronic: jaja
tronic: hmm
Ghost Dad the Elder: so nvm that
tronic: what is the high concept of our game
Ghost Dad the Elder: competitive multiplayer game, unique gameplay style
Ghost Dad the Elder: and then the grand mission of the game. making an exciting online multiplayer game with a competitive focuse
Ghost Dad the Elder: etc
tronic: ok and one major thing is the "race against the clock" thingy
Ghost Dad the Elder: ya, that's it.
Ghost Dad the Elder: the game is really like a sports game
Ghost Dad the Elder: a first person shooter sports competition kind of
Ghost Dad the Elder: I think the "race against the clock" thingy is called Stopwatch mode.
Ghost Dad the Elder: cause the first team sets teh time
Ghost Dad the Elder: second team has to beat that stopwatch
Ghost Dad the Elder: ok so as a tv show, what if there is an over the top host
tronic: ok
tronic: a player or computer
Ghost Dad the Elder: who?
Ghost Dad the Elder: the host?
tronic: yes
Ghost Dad the Elder: the host is just an NPC.
tronic: "Stopwatch" could be the game name haha
Ghost Dad the Elder: nice
tronic: stopwatch: Teh EleminatoRRRR
Ghost Dad the Elder: LOL
Ghost Dad the Elder: hahaha
Ghost Dad the Elder: Dr.Crazypants presents: STOPWATCH: the Deadliest Arena
Ghost Dad the Elder: 2
tronic: loll
tronic: crazypants i love that
Ghost Dad the Elder: lol
Ghost Dad the Elder: I like the idea of Stopwatch as the placeholder name, we can change it later, but it gets the point across in a simple way
tronic: yaya
Ghost Dad the Elder: we could even have things like a guy with a starters pistol at the beginning of a match, an announcer etc
tronic: Stopwatch : *insert level name* to differienciate the levels
Ghost Dad the Elder: exactly
Ghost Dad the Elder: SW_Dust-de
Ghost Dad the Elder: tehres a game called Mad World on the wii, have you heard about it/.
Ghost Dad the Elder: ?
tronic: I think you told me about it, is that the game with all that blood
Ghost Dad the Elder: yeah, black an white game
Ghost Dad the Elder: with red blood
tronic: aya
Ghost Dad the Elder: that game is set like a gameshow
Ghost Dad the Elder: the contestant, single player, is in an area and he gets points for killing the enemies in the most brutal ways he can
Ghost Dad the Elder: there are two announcers doing play by play as it happens
tronic: ya we need the announcers
Ghost Dad the Elder: the problem is when the announcer spoils a surprise attach
Ghost Dad the Elder: attack
Ghost Dad the Elder: "tronic is sneaking up behind the competitor, and... "
Ghost Dad the Elder: dead
tronic: yeah
Ghost Dad the Elder: ok, so its stopwatch
Ghost Dad the Elder: now for Competitors
Ghost Dad the Elder: "challengers"?
tronic: chargers
Ghost Dad the Elder: they all have one big arm
tronic: hmmeggheg
tronic: LOl
Ghost Dad the Elder: "rushers"
Ghost Dad the Elder: cheezy
Ghost Dad the Elder: "The Four"
tronic: for gladiator "watchemen" lolol
Ghost Dad the Elder: "$$"
tronic: we can still have the announcer, but only after mini events or big events happened (trap), door open ) At the very begining too
Ghost Dad the Elder: yeah
Ghost Dad the Elder: good call
tronic: ARE ALL THE COMPETITORS READY? YEAH!!! ARE ALL THE GLAIATORS RDY? YA!!!
Ghost Dad the Elder: kind of like the tf2 lady but a bit more details
Ghost Dad the Elder: YAAAAA
tronic: yyeeyye
tronic: like you said, we can't use it for actions that are not over but after, no problemo
Ghost Dad the Elder: gueno
Ghost Dad the Elder: bueno
tronic: we need names that can be shortened
tronic: like lets say, counter-strike. no one call them counter-terrorists
tronic: its CT or TS
Ghost Dad the Elder: yaya
Ghost Dad the Elder: ok, so the game is a sport, but the Cs die in it.. which is tough to explain how they come back to life
Ghost Dad the Elder: take my idea: The Cs are Holograms controlled by humans, and the Gs are robots programmed by Dr.Crazypants
Ghost Dad the Elder: Holos and Droids
Ghost Dad the Elder: ? :P
tronic: i like the holograms
Ghost Dad the Elder: both sides are holograms
tronic: would the player notice that they are holograms
tronic: or its told to the player and graphics are not affected
Ghost Dad the Elder: yeah the players, we can show them as if they are humans in a booth, like in starcraft competitions
Ghost Dad the Elder: and they put on helmets and some fancy suit and then take control of the holograms
Ghost Dad the Elder: so the sports side of this is a mix of the competition of american gladiator, but with the audience of a starcraft game
Ghost Dad the Elder: but the audience are watching the holograms move in the arena
tronic: you add a double l4d intro effect where it zooms into your fake real player to zoom into the holograms lol
Ghost Dad the Elder: yayaya
Ghost Dad the Elder: and when you get killed, and are waiting for respawn, the camera changes somehow to show you are in the suit, in the booth
tronic: oo and then if you move the mouse to the right or left, this is how you switch to some1 else view
Ghost Dad the Elder: when in respawn , ya lol
tronic: booth?
Ghost Dad the Elder: le petit chambre anti-sonore que les starcraft gars se mettent dedans durant les competitons en publique
tronic: oh like in the starcraft
tronic: "isolation booth"
tronic: heheehhe
Ghost Dad the Elder: voila
tronic: but the booth has all 4 players in , 2 booths
Ghost Dad the Elder: YO! when we do the public presentation, we have to make the class sign NDA agreements :D :D
tronic: LOl
Ghost Dad the Elder: including the teachers